Box stores, fad diets and Boxes

I am pretty sure I am about to be rich.  And when I hit the mother lode, I am sharing the fortune with any and everyone that has liked or commented on my blog.  I am a generous dude that way.

Now I hope to be able to stay focused as I write this.  So many things to cover.  Not an easy task for me.  But to summarize in advance, this involves Walmart and Box stores, Fad diets, buffets, boxes and plain old good sense.  OK, I got that out so I have a reference point if I begin to wander.

I went to Walmart the other day.  A very rare occurrence for this shopper.  Frankly I am NOT a box store guy, the exceptions are the Home Depot or Lowes, and that is because the local supplier of lumber and building supplies has all but disappeared.   I know where the small guy is for a hammer or flange, but lumber and sheet goods, not a clue who sells these close to my home.  There is almost nothing I want at any of these megastores that I can’t get for a similar price from a local merchant.  So the “save money, live better” thing, well it just doesn’t work for me.  However, I must say the “people of Walmart” YouTube videos do hold a special place for me if I choose to shop in my pajamas.  Sorry.. stay focused.

I do like Walmart for one thing.  Boxes.  It really is a great box store.  Cardboard boxes is what I mean.  Plain never used, I buy them. I do not beg for them free like I use to do at the liquor stores every time I moved.  I use many cardboard shipping boxes.  I make my living selling stuff on Ebay.  So I know my boxes.  And because I sell collectibles, I often double box the fragile stuff, wrapped in bubbles, or resting in styrofoam peanuts.  I still double box the expensive fragile things.  I have lost many items to breakage in my attempt to work around this process.  But that is another story also… focus.

I double box.  I use a great number of boxes in the 12 x 12 x 12″ sizing, and also the 16″ cube box.  Those are available at many local merchants.  But my most treasured size, I can find Nowhere else in stock, but on the shelves of Walmart.  Yes, the elusive 14″ x 14″ x 14″ box.  It is the KING of my double box world.  It serves 2 double box purposes.  It is the perfect outer box for items packed in the 12 x 12 x 12 box.  It is a wonderful inner box companion for the 16 x 16 x 16″ outer box. And as an aside, most shipping rates go way up when the box is bigger the 16″ cubed.   Oh I love this 14″ box.   The best spent $0.68 in my shipping life. And nowhere else can I find these in stock.  No where but…. say it with me Walmart.  I find them in every Walmart in every city I travel to.  And yes I will vacation and ship on occasion.  Oh glorious box, love is your name.  LIVE BETTER, BOX BETTER.  So I had to make the visit.  I was in NEED.

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There really is no good time to visit a store.  And the Christmas season, with a snow packed and icy parking lot is just another bad time to make my way to the shipping supply section, next to the office supply section, near the school and stationary supply section of my local Walmart.  But visit is what I had to do.  And I got my beloved boxes.  But wait there’s more.

Every Walmart visit includes a moment of patience in the checkout lane.  May I add, an unusually long moment.  I have shopped at midnight, and noon, at 6 am, never 6 pm.  And Walmart knows exactly how few cashiers to schedule to give you a long wait in the lines.  It is a designed wait, I am certain.  It is a conspiracy theory I hold to.  SHOP LONGER, LIVE BETTER.  The wait is for you to shop the wonderful array of impulse buy items like gum, mints, energy shots and q-tips.  And it is also time to read the weekly rag covers.  Be still my heart, what has Kim Kardashian done this week?  And of course, as a fat guy, it is time for me to learn how to lose lots of weight during the holiday overeating season.  Today I was pleased to find out I can lose 6 pounds a week.  A new special tea.  A self proclaimed “Miracle Weight Loss Tea”  Yes!!!!  Bring on the Dr. Oz recommendation now!!

diet

Though I did not buy this mag rag, I was tempted and then I remembered something.  I remember there is a caveat.  There always is … this is it… said fad product (fill in any choice you want)…. will work best when combined with a healthy diet and regular exercise.  That is the reality.  I know it.  I was healthy a long time ago.  I ate right, I exercised.  But diet shortcuts, that is where the money is.  And that is why I am going to be rich.  And I am bringing you all along.  See, I didn’t forget why I am writing this.  I went to lunch, and I figured it out.  It is the diet every one of us seriously overweight folks is willing to pay for.  And trust me… my last name is Fulton, and FULL-TON is not the name you want if you are growing up heavy.  But for a diet program, well things are looking up.

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I introduce to you the “Fulton all you can eat buffet diet plan”  Isn’t this what folks are looking for.  No special foods, or pills, just eat all you want, and in the small print add exercise.  Look it worked for Swimmer Michael Phelps.  The Olympian ate up to 12,000 calories a day.  And he was ripped.  I don’t even think he drank the miracle tea.

So I just have a few more things I have to do.  I need to write the book.  I just need to lose 100 pounds.  And I need to put together a marketing package with special tools and personalized silverware, and motivational pictures and phrases.  I am sure there will be an infomercial.  Featuring skinny folk who never used the diet, but love it none the less.. an you my readers can sit in the audience.  Practice, shake your head yes.. thank you.

And then we will wait, and get rich.  And when people call in an order, the product will be shipped a large over sized packet to make them feel special.  And they will feel special.  Because the stuff will arrive in a 14 x 14 x 14″ box.

I know the place to buy them.

Look for the announcement in the checkout line… say it with me.. at your local Walmart.

2 thoughts on “Box stores, fad diets and Boxes

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